Grad School Is...

            Two weeks ago, I jovially celebrated my last day of grad school. Well, it wasn’t THE last day, unfortunately. Just the last day of my first year. I could sit here and tell you that I’m relieved and leave it at that. But that just wouldn’t be my style, so instead I’ll say this: Thank God. If I had even one more day of grad school, someone would’ve had to commit me to a mental hospital. School has CONSUMED my life over these last few months. In class, I was doing schoolwork. At my internships, I was doing schoolwork. On the weekends, I was doing schoolwork. At 3 in the morning, I was doing schoolwork. It was a pitiful, sad existence.  But now that’s all over (for now anyway), so I can finally relax, be somewhat of a human being, and enjoy my life for the first time since winter break. And it seems like I’m not alone. I can’t help but notice the copious amount of celebratory Facebook statuses that have been popping up on my Newsfeed lately; statuses expressing relief and gratitude over the end of grad/med/law school (though I haven’t seen any statuses celebrating the end of college—probably because those poor souls have realized that they’re about to get pummeled by the real world, where the only things waiting for them are bills and misery). So to celebrate the end of this hectic experience, I give you my (extreme) summary of what this last year of grad school has been like for me. I think many of you grad/med/law students, and even you full-time employees, will find this relatable and hopefully entertaining. I’ve titled this piece—are you prepared for this stroke of genius?—Grad School Is….

• ·      You know the wonderful feeling of completing one assignment, only to realize that you have about three more to finish, and they’re all due in the next few days? It’s like getting pummeled by an oncoming vehicle. You’re bleeding. You have a broken leg. Yeah, life kind of sucks right now, but you survived. You made it. And then, just when you’re about to stand up and walk to safety, a thirty car pile up suddenly, and miraculously, accumulates over your flattened body, crushing you under its immense weight.
• ·      You ever sit in class or in your office and glance at the stressed, high-strung faces around you? It’s like being stuck in a cage with overly aggressive monkeys that just got peed on (a South Park reference for any fans out there). These monkeys are pissed off, foaming from the mouth, desperate to escape. They want to pull out their hair while running and screaming through the streets. And they will tear off anyone’s face who irritates them.
• ·      You know those rare times where you actually did have some free time for yourself? You know, those short things called weekends? And then on Sunday night, you gasp and suddenly realize that you have to go to class or work tomorrow, making you sort of want to puke? It’s like walking down the boardwalk on a beautiful, sunny day. You’re with your girlfriend or boyfriend. You’re happy. Everything is going swimmingly. And then suddenly, a seagull takes a crap on your shoulder. And it’s like, “...really? Come on. Why did that just happen?” And then, just as you’re asking yourself this question, an entire flock of seagulls unexpectedly soars overhead and craps on you, covering you in feces and foul smells.
• ·      Remember finals week? That delightful feeling of being completely overwhelmed by everything you have to do, overwhelmed by everything that you don’t have time to do? It’s like being in a boxing ring with a rabid, muscular maniac (namely, Mike Tyson). You go down on the first punch, bleeding. But while you’re unconscious, the guy climbs on top of your limp body and keeps punching, even though the bell’s already rung several times. And as this guy’s fist is smashing into your face, just before everything fades to blackness, you ask yourself, “WHY THE HELL IS THIS HAPPENING AND WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END?!”